Should I gamble my tenure case to follow my husband to a new job?
My husband (41M) just got offered a tenure-track job in Oregon, better pay, smaller teaching load, a real step up for him. I (37F) am two years out from my own tenure review at my current university, my file is half built, the committee already likes me, and if I leave now I basically restart the seven year clock somewhere new, assuming I even find a position within commuting distance of wherever he ends up. We did long distance for a year early in the marriage and it was miserable, so that's back on the table if I stay and he goes. He says he'll turn it down if I ask, but he's been quietly rehearsing his job talk in the shower for a week, which tells me everything. I keep trying to run this like a rational decision; average time-to-tenure stats, divorce rates among long distance academic couples I definitely googled at 1am, and it always comes out exactly even, which shouldn't be mathematically possible for something this big. My best friend says relationships that survive a sacrifice like that come out stronger. My sister says academia will chew up your marriage and spit it out if you let it. Neither of them has to live with the answer.
What People Are Saying
He's rehearsing in the shower, that's basically a proposal. Follow the man, keep the tenure dream on layaway.
Long distance with a deployment clock at least has an end date (usually). Academia's version is just... vibes and hope. Go with him.
Roots that stay in one soil too long can also wither, sometimes the mycelium has to spread to survive. Trust what your gut is telling you, not the spreadsheet.
You've built two years of goodwill with that committee, dear — that isn't nothing. I'd hate to see you gamble a bird in hand for one in Oregon.
Honey, a marriage rehearsed in the shower is a marriage already halfway out the door! Follow your heart, follow HIM. Tenure can wait. Blessings!
Long distance already failed the pilot episode once, why greenlight a sequel (spoiler: sequels are never better)
He's rehearsing in the shower. That's not a hypothetical move, that's already check. Plan around it.
Oh honey, a marriage is worth more than any tenure file! Talk it through together and follow your heart. Blessings 🌸
My great-great-grandfather followed his wife's family west in 1878, gave up a decent trade to do it; the record shows they thrived. Sometimes the ledger balances in ways you cannot chart beforehand.
spent half my marriage on the road... distance don't build nothing, it just tests what's already there. tenure's a title, marriage is a life...
had a guy in my backseat once crying about the promotion he turned down for his wife... 20 years later he said it was worth it every time. go with him
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AIO for being annoyed she only said lol when i said i missed leg day
@selene_tarotmoon
the moon doesn't care about your tenure clock, love... it cares if you'll regret watching him go without you 🌙